Firstly, I want to welcome everybody to the gay fail blog. This is sure to be an unbiased, regularly updated blog with exhaustively researched and scholarly content. We will refrain from using our sassy diva voices or passing judgment on the characters, celebrities, pseudo-fags, and other weirdos of interest who are profiled within these articles. For more information, somehow locate the "about me" section of the blog. It might be to the right of this entry, but I'm really not quite sure.
NOW, to the meat and potatoes of this, our first article:
Some of you queers out there might have heard of this pasty ass bitch, Katy Perry. She runs around impersonating Zooey Deschanel (a truly classy lady after our own hearts) and altogether being a pernicious little clit-tease, making out with true-blue lesbos then informing them that she is, in fact, not gay. I'm sure all you assimilationist gays out there are familiar with her song "I Kissed a Girl", but just in case there are any queers in the readership who don't have an unhealthy fascination with the heteronormative straight culture which oppresses us, I'm going to explain what the song is about and why that shit is wack.
The lyrics of the song start out by explaing that Katy Perry was drunk during all of this. "Drink in hand" she "lost her discretion." (sounds a lot like my own first gay experience!) The song continues by stating that even though "It's not what good girls do," Katy Perry is such a hard-ass rebel that she decided to experiment and kiss a human being of (GASP) the same bio-sex as herself. Despite the line which basically describes homosexual kissing as evil, the song became something of a lesbian anthem, if I'm not mistaken. Unfortunately, the gay fail blog staff is made up of stereotypical gay males and our gaggle of fag-hags, so no actual lesbians could be located to back this claim up with empirical evidence. That's all fine and dandy. It's easy to see how the fetishization of lesbians perpetuated by the song could be overlooked so that real lesbians could have the pleasure of drunkenly singing along to the chorus at gay clubs. "Wow! this song is about kissing girls? I can TOTALLY relate to that!"
Fast forward a few months. BAM! Katy Perry drops her new single like a giant turd on the all white carpet in your fashionable high-rise condo that your domestic partner's just DARLING pomeranian has been saving up for weeks. The song is titled "Ur So Gay" (sic), and the lyrics indicate that Katy Perry is less informed and intelligent than a 14-year-old. Not since a middle-school classmate of mine cited my choice to take an art elective as indication that I was a total fag (correlation does not imply causation, damn it!) have I been so appalled by misconceptions of what exactly being queer is all about.
Let's take a look at the conventions of "being gay" that the song and accompanying music video imply.
1. Owning a scarf from H&M (gay)
2. Listening to classical music (gay)
3. Reading literature, especially Hemingway (gay)
4. Being a vegetarian or vegan (gay)
5. Reducing American dependance on foreign oil by driving an electric car (gay)
6. Using sunscreen of SPF 45 or higher (gay)
7. Liking boys, and "penis" (may or may not be gay)
The song basically goes on like that for three minutes or so. The video then ends with a barbie version of Katie Perry being appalled that her "Ken" does not come equipped with a penis. Apparently to be gay, even in the sense of being cultured without so much as sucking a dick, is to completely emasculate oneself. As of right now, this video is quite popular on youtube, and as many of it's viewers will inform you in the comments section "SHE DOESN'T HAVE A PROBLEM WITH GAY PEOPLE!" I'm sure Katy Perry has lots of gay friends, so it's like, OK LOL, for her to talk about how much gays like to shop and read Hemingway. And you know what, fine. The bitch can say what she want. My personal concern is that popular culture in America seems to find lyrics and ideas like this completely normal. Furthermore, not just popular culture, even GAY culture doesn't seem to have much of a problem with this. How else do you explain a show like Queer Eye for the Straight Guy? I'm sick of this absurd idea that gay males are blessed with the ability to understand high culture, while straight males are all using disposable razors and drinking shitty beer. News flash! I like cheap beer too, and I don't even shave. I also fart openly and my clothes are covered in stains. Do I sound like Joe Six-Pack yet? Guess what, I fucked him last week, and we actually went through an 18 pack between us, not just three beers each. Seriously, what kind of pussies do you think we are?
But enough. The seasons change, and Katy Perry has a new single out, in which she thankfully refrains from dishing out her middle-school definitions of male homosexuality. In this one, titled "Hot N Cold" she demonstrates her uncanny ability with opposites. I must say that the lyrics are very witty considering her lack of intelligence. In closing, here is a video of Katy Perry acting a damn fool during a performance. It has been hypothesized by members of the gay fail blog staff that the giant cake she jumps on was actually a wooden prop covered in icing, and that she was unaware of how the impact might affect her.
